I missed writing my blog last week because of a nasty stomach flu. You know it's going to be bad when you wake up at 2:30 am from a perfectly good dream about bunnies because you have to throw up. I should spare you the rest of the details.
After several hours of "fun with stomach bile," (didn't spare you the details) it was obvious that I was not going going to work the next day. At 7:00 am, I picked up the phone to call my boss and suddenly panicked. It was Monday morning! Would he believe I was sick on Monday morning? Should I try to talk in sick voice? Stomach flu doesn't cause sick voice! Should I have someone else call for me? No, that's dumb, I was sick, not dead.
Guilt! I felt guilty! Why? I was genuinely sick with a stomach bug that had traveled through several persons I knew in less than three days. It was in the best interest of the company for me to stay home, even if I felt well enough to go, which I didn't. I looked in the mirror. My face was an odd shade of green/yellow. Should I send my boss a picture? No, I could have faked that with green/yellow makeup. Plus, who sends their boss a picture to prove they are sick? Someone who is just plain crazy, that's who.
I picked up the phone and dialed his number. Voicemail! Horray! Now I could work on the message until it was truly believable. I recorded the message seven times, finally deciding that I just didn't sound sick. I was far too happy sounding. He would think I was planning a day of chick flicks and pedicures.
I switched to email. The first email had way too much detail about throwing up at 2:30 and again at 3:17. It was like a log book of vomit, including when it changed from something of substance to yellow bile, to dry heaving (did it again, heh). He would think I was throwing in extra detail just to try to sound believable!
By email number 4, I had a perfect, regretful message about being sick with a stomach flu. It was a masterpeice! Short, simple, no detail... just the way a sick person would write it! I saved myself a copy for reference next time I was planning a day of chick flicks and pedicures.
I went back to bed, exhausted from trying to call in sick. When I woke up, I checked my email. There was a reply from the boss! Oh no! I knew it was going to say, "Please see me about this tomorrow. I will be having someone from HR join us." Panic! Guilt! I opened the email. It said, "Stomach flu is no fun. Get better."
The next day, I felt 100 times better. My face had returned to a normal color, so before I left for work I added a little green/yellow makeup.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
The One With DVR Commandments
The DVR. What a wonderful invention! Trying to tape something on a VCR was really hard. There was a line from City Slickers, where one of the guys has been trying for a hours to explain to another one how to do this (while they are herding some cows) and Billy Crystal says, "He's never going to get it, the cows can program the VCR by now!"
The DVR is much easier. I don't know how we lived without it! Just push a button and you are good to go. No tapes to mess with because the programs are stored in the sky. It's lovely. Of course, there have been issues. I can solve them with a few DVR Commandments.
1. Thou shalt not have blind faith in the DVR. Anyone who recorded the final American Idol last year knows what I mean. The program ran overtime, but DVRs all over the planet stopped recording, and we were left going, "SO WHO WON??? Chris or Adam!!??" (By the way, it was the wrong choice. Way to go, America.)
2. Thou shalt not record really stupid stuff. Our DVR appears to resolve schedule conflicts by consistently choosing the dumbest thing on the list. This is why, when I am settling down to watch a brand new "Law and Order," I find out it has not recorded at all, but instead we have several episodes of "Simmons Family Jewels." I am also completely befuddled as to why my 16-year-old daughter wants to know what Gene Simmons is doing, but I suppose that is another blog of its own.
3. Thou shalt not record any more "Malcolm in the Middle." With our DVR, if something is taping, it takes over one of your TVs, usually the one in my bedroom. The kids have been taping endless episodes of "Malcolm," which means it is often running on my TV. This is bad because I have become hopelessly addicted. I want to be Lois. I want to have houseful of boys who are terrified of me. I am starting to find myself barking out Lois-isms, and I like it. "Look at those Parker boys across the street... honest to God, those are the ugliest little boys ever born. They look like boiled beets, don't you think?"
4. Thou shalt not allow the DVR to completely take over. Anyone with OCD tendencies, like I have, will understand. If I realize that I have a bunch of recorded programs stacking up, it starts to look like a LIST to me, and compulsive people need to cross things off LISTS. It can really interfere with other things, like eating, sleeping, and going to work. "Tell the Japanese that our agreement will have to wait. I can't come in today because there are seventeen Malcolm in the Middles in my DVR. "
Maybe the DVR wasn't such a great invention after all. Has it improved our quality of life , do you think? Shall I consult the cows?
The DVR is much easier. I don't know how we lived without it! Just push a button and you are good to go. No tapes to mess with because the programs are stored in the sky. It's lovely. Of course, there have been issues. I can solve them with a few DVR Commandments.
1. Thou shalt not have blind faith in the DVR. Anyone who recorded the final American Idol last year knows what I mean. The program ran overtime, but DVRs all over the planet stopped recording, and we were left going, "SO WHO WON??? Chris or Adam!!??" (By the way, it was the wrong choice. Way to go, America.)
2. Thou shalt not record really stupid stuff. Our DVR appears to resolve schedule conflicts by consistently choosing the dumbest thing on the list. This is why, when I am settling down to watch a brand new "Law and Order," I find out it has not recorded at all, but instead we have several episodes of "Simmons Family Jewels." I am also completely befuddled as to why my 16-year-old daughter wants to know what Gene Simmons is doing, but I suppose that is another blog of its own.
3. Thou shalt not record any more "Malcolm in the Middle." With our DVR, if something is taping, it takes over one of your TVs, usually the one in my bedroom. The kids have been taping endless episodes of "Malcolm," which means it is often running on my TV. This is bad because I have become hopelessly addicted. I want to be Lois. I want to have houseful of boys who are terrified of me. I am starting to find myself barking out Lois-isms, and I like it. "Look at those Parker boys across the street... honest to God, those are the ugliest little boys ever born. They look like boiled beets, don't you think?"
4. Thou shalt not allow the DVR to completely take over. Anyone with OCD tendencies, like I have, will understand. If I realize that I have a bunch of recorded programs stacking up, it starts to look like a LIST to me, and compulsive people need to cross things off LISTS. It can really interfere with other things, like eating, sleeping, and going to work. "Tell the Japanese that our agreement will have to wait. I can't come in today because there are seventeen Malcolm in the Middles in my DVR. "
Maybe the DVR wasn't such a great invention after all. Has it improved our quality of life , do you think? Shall I consult the cows?
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