The One Where I Call In Sick

I missed writing my blog last week because of a nasty stomach flu. You know it's going to be bad when you wake up at 2:30 am from a perfectly good dream about bunnies because you have to throw up. I should spare you the rest of the details.

After several hours of "fun with stomach bile," (didn't spare you the details) it was obvious that I was not going going to work the next day. At 7:00 am, I picked up the phone to call my boss and suddenly panicked. It was Monday morning! Would he believe I was sick on Monday morning? Should I try to talk in sick voice? Stomach flu doesn't cause sick voice! Should I have someone else call for me? No, that's dumb, I was sick, not dead.

Guilt! I felt guilty! Why? I was genuinely sick with a stomach bug that had traveled through several persons I knew in less than three days. It was in the best interest of the company for me to stay home, even if I felt well enough to go, which I didn't. I looked in the mirror. My face was an odd shade of green/yellow. Should I send my boss a picture? No, I could have faked that with green/yellow makeup. Plus, who sends their boss a picture to prove they are sick? Someone who is just plain crazy, that's who.

I picked up the phone and dialed his number. Voicemail! Horray! Now I could work on the message until it was truly believable. I recorded the message seven times, finally deciding that I just didn't sound sick. I was far too happy sounding. He would think I was planning a day of chick flicks and pedicures.

I switched to email. The first email had way too much detail about throwing up at 2:30 and again at 3:17. It was like a log book of vomit, including when it changed from something of substance to yellow bile, to dry heaving (did it again, heh). He would think I was throwing in extra detail just to try to sound believable!

By email number 4, I had a perfect, regretful message about being sick with a stomach flu. It was a masterpeice! Short, simple, no detail... just the way a sick person would write it! I saved myself a copy for reference next time I was planning a day of chick flicks and pedicures.

I went back to bed, exhausted from trying to call in sick. When I woke up, I checked my email. There was a reply from the boss! Oh no! I knew it was going to say, "Please see me about this tomorrow. I will be having someone from HR join us." Panic! Guilt! I opened the email. It said, "Stomach flu is no fun. Get better."

The next day, I felt 100 times better. My face had returned to a normal color, so before I left for work I added a little green/yellow makeup.