The One Where I Explain Facebook to Dummies

My friend Julie recently asked me to help her with Facebook. She had signed up to spy on her kids (which is the same reason I signed up), and was quite confused because Facebook is purposefully designed to scare adults away. I have learned a few things about Facebook; however, and I am happy to share with Julie and other Dummies.

After you sign up, the first thing to do is to collect some "friends." The best place to find friends is high school. Yep, that place you thought you had escaped 20 years ago is baaaack! And guess what? There are people out there who still remember that rude thing you said to them before English class. Don't worry about that. Just have your apologies ready...and it helps if you mention that you are a "totally different person now."

Once you have "friends," you can interact with them in several ways:

Poke: this is like a little cyber- jab in the ribs. You can "poke" anyone. It's great fun. I am a willy-nilly poker. I poke people because they are cute, or because I am annoyed with them, or because they are simply there. The best part is that you don't have to explain why you poked them. I REALLY wish we could do this in real life. I'd like to walk down the hall at work and just poke a few people, some that I like, and some because I fantasize about stapling things to their head.

Sending pretend stuff: you can "send" your friends just about anything, like pretend chocolate, pretend alcohol drinks, and even pretend farm animals. The first time someone sent me a farm animal, I was hugely offended, but now I know it's meant to be a nice gesture.

Chat: my least favorite. Someone will see me online and want to chat instantly, as in right this minute. This only happens when I didn't have time to be messing around online in the first place. Without fail, I am sitting there with wet hair, late for something important, staring with great amounts of guilt at my hair dryer, and simultaneously typing, "Not much, how about you?" because I don't want to seem rude.

Commenting: I love to comment! A friend will post something like, "Nikki is taking a nap," and there is a little space after that for your comment, like, "Wow, Nikki, you took a nap last Thursday too. You are the napping queen!" So much fun! People who dislike Facebook say that there is no need for us to know the minutia of each other's lives; but I think it's great, because I'm nosy. It's socially-acceptable spying!

Unfriending: If someone really annoys you, you can "unfriend" them, but be careful, because once you "unfriend," you can't re-friend without their approval. I have unfriended a couple people I dated because, well, that is a whole other blog...(grumble grumble). I also unfriended Marie Osmond because she was filling up all my space with a lot of benevolent, worthwhile charity information, which was preventing me from seeing who was drinking pretend alcohol and playing with pretend farm animals. It's about priorities.

There is more, but I don't want to overwhelm. Just remember, little grasshoppers: I wish for you to poke with wild abandon, comment on the ridiculously inane until your fingers bleed, and spy without fear of being arrested!

If this was helpful, Julie and the Dummies, I hope you will reward me by sending pretend chocolate and maybe a pretend chicken. Oh, and let me know when you are taking a nap.